All unhealthy habits are hard to admit, and even harder to face.
Recently I came across and watched a movie called "Ingrid Goes West" which came out in 2017, and is a milder, modern take on "Single White Female": a film I saw on TV when I was about 10 or 11.
Well, that movie got stuck in my innocent kid's head back then, not so much for the R-rated imagery. The theme of attachment and imitation was what actually tickled my brain. I didn't understand why someone would stick to you like a barnacle and copy you, and even go as far as thinking they can be you. Twisted human psyche seemed weird but fascinating, because it was something you didn't see every day and no one talked about it. My parents just ruled it out as something that only happens in movies and that it's not real.
Eventually I forgot about that movie and the whole psycho stalker bollocks, until one day I got accused of doing it. And here is where I feel like I should come clean, 10 years after I was viewed as a crazy obsessive girl by a group of people I did not personally know. Watching the Ingrid movie just took me back to those weird events and has been echoing in my skull shaped think chamber for days now.
It all started when I was in my first year at uni. I was having a study break and was chatting with friends on MySpace, when I clicked on a random profile I saw on a friend's page. It was a girl whose face seemed to have a striking resemblance to mine, at least at first glance. At the time I was already aware that I was adopted and got worked up every time I saw someone with similar features to mine, and it made me wonder if we were not somehow related. Well I looked through her photos and realised that we really did look alike a lot. She had the same taste in music, clothes and artwork. I freaked out but also thought that even if we were not related at all, maybe at least I would have a new friend, so I clicked the "Add to friends" button. At that time, my friends from Silistra had decided to discard me, as I was not an "original" member of their group and one of them called me one day to give me the "we were never friends" talk. Because we had not grown up together since kindergarten and stuff. There were other things about me that they found irritating, as my attempts to sing in bands, or experimenting with new clothes and getting excited over it. They were too afraid to say to my face that they didn't like my singing voice, or that they didn't like how my new outfits were too brave and stood out. She also said they hated that I rarely spoke much and when I did I always said things they never agreed with. Then she finished her breakup manifesto with how I will always be an outside person to them and that wanting to fit in with them seemed desperate and cringy. But above all, they just wanted to be this "original crew" that grew up together in a suburb, made memories and had their own inside jokes. They were also huge fans of the show "Friends" and were pursuing the same concept which again, didn't include me. And yet, I did not stalk anyone and didn't reach out to them after they pushed me away. But somehow it made them feel guilty, and they were afraid that I might try to do something, like go full crazy on them. They made up stories about how I would appear at their weddings as the evil witch and would curse them for ditching me.
I mean, I was lonely, I was feeling dumped by someone I considered my best friend. There was no attachment, no stalking. She often cancelled on our plans to hang out with others and rarely responded to my texts. Then one night I saw uploaded pictures of the whole gang celebrating Christmas together in Silistra and they all knew I had gone home for the holidays too, so it was normal to reach out and ask what was happening. After that I was broken for months. To be honest, I never looked at her profiles again, because I knew I would find countless photos of parties and gatherings where people I sincerely liked were having fun and didn't want me there with them. I guess she did the right thing, but I wished she had done it sooner. So it was only natural to subconsciously look for someone to take her place. Back then I knew heartache from boyfriend drama, but falling out with my best friend felt worse. Since an early age I acknowledged the importance of friendship and valued those relationships. So yeah, I ended up befriending the freakishly similar person I found on MySpace. I needed to have someone to talk to, someone who might understand and also share cool things with.
She messaged me first and told me how shocked she was to find that we were indeed very similar and that it would be cool to get to know each other and hang out someday. It turned out we had mutual acquaintances and they all had positive feedback for me. Suddenly we were friends on Last.fm and Facebook too. We chatted on Skype, occasionally checked on each other but that was it. I was making tons of other friendships along with that one, and I was working on re-building my self-esteem as the fallout of my previous friendship had made me weak and insecure, though I didn't show it, or tell anyone. Well, getting my confidence back involved some reinvention and I decided my wardrobe needed some upgrades. I got a piercing, got some accessories and while before I was dwindling between this indie kid and mall goth look, I fully went mall goth or even emo at times, but that is what many girls do when they're 20 and need to express themselves. My newly found "twin" complimented me on my upgrades, however I made an honest mistake after a comment she made when we attended a concert together. We had accidentally dressed the same and it made me so happy that I had met a kindred spirit, that I took things to heart. Especially when she said that we could be sisters because someone else at the gig said we did look alike.
I guess I got used to it. Looking alike, sharing the same interests, admiring each other regularly. There was nothing creepy about it. But stupid me accidentally ruined things. I was way too naive and took things literally. I was so used to being the same as someone else, and I'd noticed a few cool things she had done with one of her online profiles, that I stupidly nicked it and uploaded it on my profile too. There was a shirt I also liked and bought the same, but I didn't tell her which was where I failed. For some reason I didn't want to spam too many compliments to avoid being a creep but in the end I looked exactly like one.
Then she added me on Facebook and I realised she was way more popular than I could imagine, and the attention she drew on herself was... massive. For some reason, that hit me in a strange place. I didn't know I could feel insecure and I had no idea I would want to get the same amount of attention as she did. But there I was, wondering how to get people to like me as much. So yeah, you get it - I was the lonely loser who had just been dumped for being a loser and desperately needed to prove to herself that she was more than what people thought of her. So why not try to be popular and see where it goes? I can tell you, it went straight to shit.
I had no idea that some of her friends had started stalking me because they thought I was an impostor. They had downloaded and timestamped a few photos of mine that coincided with hers and thought it was extremely shady and they ended up convincing her I was some obsessed weirdo who was copying her systematically. She messaged me to tell me I was being a jerk, that it was not okay to copy your friends and that I should stop acting like I was not myself. To be completely honest here, I was upset and I know I should have just accepted my defeat and apologised. But being the stubborn and rebellious person at the time, I ignored her. I was just angry and I thought it wasn't fair for others to be so cool while I was invisible, whatever I did. My ex was a total douche and he had told me countless times how I was ugly and bland and pathetic, so I guess that sparked my little copycat fest. But sure as hell I can guarantee I was copying from many places and people at the time, and I was doing everything to get myself noticed, which was absolute cringe, and if I had just had the bravery to be my quirky little self, maybe I would have got the right people in my circle.
Fast forward to the end, there was an online bullying campaign that she orchestrated in order to "teach me a lesson", and as you may have guessed, no one came to my rescue. But yeah, I got the attention I guess. Hateful comments galore; my inbox was crammed with insults and threats. Some even commented on my pictures that I was extremely ugly. I had reached a total low in my life, and there was this period of time when I was scared to go out or attend a concert because I knew they might see me. No one really checked up on me, there were just these two girls who thought it was extremely bitchy of hers to do that and we kept in touch occasionally but they didn't take my side publicly as that girl's gang would have eaten them alive. For some time her friends kept stalking me to check if I would do anything else but I was so scared of getting in more trouble that I just got back to my sad indie kid attire and never looked back since. I removed my piercings and dyed my hair red, then changed my glasses too, and that's basically how I've been since then. But I guess that's when I fully understood that I am not conventionally attractive because many of the comments went like "She is not even pretty enough to pull it off" or "I wish she was pretty so I could at least rape her before I throw her in a ditch". Yes, those people were assholes, but they were honest. I will never be the epitome of beauty, or even close to that, but that's what it is for some of us. But perfect looks are something you need in order to live a vapid life as a social butterfly, and if you want to settle down, those are the least of your worries.
Getting back to Ingrid Goes West - I got so fixated on it because it reminded me of my accident when I was 20. The thing is - I am not like her, and never was. But someone anonymous had sent me a message on Tumblr in 2017 to inform me that I should watch it because it was about a creep who was also a pathetic loser, just like me. The protagonist of that movie has a psychological problem and she is genuinely dangerous, mainly for herself. But the actual message of the movie is about how social media can bring out the worst in us if we are insecure and we get systematically exposed to the carefully curated lives of those social media "stars".
I know that I got obsessed with being cool on the Internet and wished for validation as I believed that would fill the gaps from my abusive relationship. The guy I dated before all that happened constantly put me down, hit me in the face and threw me against walls. He took things from me, cheated and lied. When I came out of that relationship I was empty and needed to find meaning in life again. I had heard the words "you're so ugly" so many times that I needed to know that I was not, so seeing other girls get constant praise for their looks just felt like a personal attack and I wanted to know what it's like to be like them. But my life experience proved that being approved by society is overrated and often shallow and mostly intellectually unfulfilling. I was on the verge of becoming an art socialite in my late 20s and it wasn't as great as it looked. Drunk faux poets and musicians who live off their parents' wealth want to sleep with you and view you as the next means of entertainment. If anyone was jealous of me back then, they were misguided. But at least I saw what it's like to be pretty I guess.
I genuinely felt bad for Ingrid, though I really hated her psychotic and violent side. However, I am aware that she is a mentally ill character and I cannot really judge. But I cannot relate either. Whatever that anonymous commenter was trying to do just brought back memories of events nobody even remembers. As if this happened in a parallel universe.
The movie follows the story of a young woman who seems to get obsessed with random women from the Internet who seem to have fancy lives, and she mistakes their likes and comments for deeper interest. The film started with her scrolling through this chick's Instagram and crying because her friend (?) seemingly did not invite her to her wedding, but soon enough you realise that they never even met and that Ingrid is just a social media obsessed stalker. The movie is supposed to be a dark comedy but for those of us who have been stalked and copied, it's another type of story and it's not so funny. Whatever I am talking about, I will feature in another post because it's too long and complex to describe here. And I'm afraid the person in question might still be watching what I post.
Fast forward, she reads this article on a social media influencer named Taylor and she immediately looks her up on Instagram and her whole face lights up. Honestly I had doubts she just might be gay and in love with those girls but later on it's shown that is not the case. So what happens next is absolute madness. Taylor happens to reply to Ingrid's comment under a post of hers and the shit show begins. The comment goes "If you are in LA sometime, go to this restaurant and try these avocado toasts yourself" or whatever, and she takes it as a personal invitation to go there. So she withdraws all the money from her bank account, puts it in a backpack and goes to LA. Because she got obsessed with a stranger from the Internet who just happens to have a carefully curated Instagram profile with 1 million followers or something. That's a bit of a shallow approach but to each their own. We have seen it happen in real life.
Social media absolutely brings out her worst, and she is already mentally unstable, though at the beginning of the movie she has just checked out of the asylum and she is supposed to be better. She wants to meet this Taylor chick so bad she even stalks her on her way home and kidnaps her dog when she's gone out with her boyfriend and when they put up Missing Dog flyers, she calls her phone and tells her she found it. But before that she makes sure she bides her time, going through every post Taylor ever made, to get to understand what she likes and what she does, and copies EVERYTHING. From clothes to accessories, books and restaurants, she basically tries to turn herself into Taylor, to immerse herself in her world. She even dyes her hair blonde. And when she returns the dog to its owners they happily invite her inside their house and offer her dinner to pay her back. She gets the chance she was looking for, and she finally becomes Taylor's friend. And things actually look good for a while, you almost forget she's a mentally ill woman with shady intentions.
Throughout the movie we also learn that these popular people aren't the greatest either. The movie was not made for you to pick a side. Everyone in it is rotten in their own way. Ingrid has ulterior motives only because she wants to be a part of that glamorous world and get to be Taylor's BFF but she learns the hard way she doesn't belong there and it doesn't even make her happy. And people born into money who are popular and live fancy, shallow lives can never understand or accept someone like her as an equal. We also get to see that behind their lustrous facades and cheerful selfies they don't even have stable relationships or personalities. Taylor steals most of her ideas from her husband or fudge knows where, she says crap like "I'm obsessed with these books, they're the best" but she has never actually read them though she has posted pictures with said books. Her husband makes painfully mediocre Tumblr art and she convinces him to quit his day job to pursue a career in art which has gone to a dead end as no one cares about his work and being nearly broke makes him resentful towards his wife but he lashes out at everyone else to compensate for his frustration. It is also mentioned that they both became vegan hipsters because it is the current trend and they used to be some basic college kids who did drugs at Coachella and Burning Man and became fake beatniks because of that. And her brother is a narcissistic coke head but he turns out to be the smartest of them all, though his actions tend to be questionable. The only decent character in the movie is this comic book nerd Dan who's way too decent for Ingrid but he sees her for who she is and still loves her.
So what happens is Taylor's brother figures her out and tries to blackmail her in exchange for the information on her phone which reveals her stalker tendencies and her real identity. The whole thing goes awry when Ingrid asks Dan to kidnap the bro and "scare" him when they nearly kill him and leave him in the desert.
Towards the end of the movie we see Ingrid in full psycho mode - she realises Taylor is pulling away from her because she probably knows everything and she starts bombarding her with phone calls. She obsessively refreshes her Insta profile to find a clue on her whereabouts and Taylor tricks her into thinking she's at this bar in the desert so she instantly goes there. She keeps calling and asks her to meet. When her husband picks up and tells her to leave them alone and calls her a psycho, this is where she cracks. She drinks herself to sleep in her car (actually Dan's car which she stole), then wakes up half-dead and hungover and goes to buy the house Taylor had told her she wants to buy and she spends all of her remaining money on that and she moves in. The house is right opposite to Taylor's house and she can spy on her from there. The following imagery is sad and disturbing. It has been a week or so, her whole house is in disarray. Dirty dishes all over the place, empty beer bottles, fast food leftovers rotting on the ground, covered in flies. Her toilet gets clogged as she uses pages from a book since she is broke and can't afford toilet paper. She keeps getting drunk and texting Taylor to forgive her. Then her electricity gets cut off as she hasn't paid her bills. This is a very accurate depiction of mental illness creeping up.
Next, we see her going to Taylor's Halloween party, dressed as a ghost. She tries to charge her phone and go unnoticed but someone trips into her and her disguise falls off. The whole friend group sort of stands behind Taylor, ready to beat up Ingrid in case she gets aggressive but what we see is a very heart-wrenching conversation between the two. Taylor tells her she's insane and that she needs professional help because she can't go on stalking random women and trying to get into their lives in such a creepy manner and basically kicks her out from the party. Defeated, Ingrid goes to her dark house, lights up a bunch of candles, and records this very sad, self-pitying goodbye video for Instagram in which she explains how she tried to fake her life online so she could look more interesting and cries because she's tired of trying to fit in places she doesn't belong just to be accepted by people who will never like her for who she is. It's a heartbreaking moment to watch because this is the sad reality for many girls, including me. Seeing these perfect people everywhere on social media has taken its toll on my mental health as well, it left me feeling unaccomplished and inadequate for years, until I finally got healthy and happier (after I deleted my social media). She swallows some sleeping pills and finishes one last bottle of beer, plays one of the songs she had a moment with Taylor to and passes out. The next few seconds imply she's dead but actually Dan sees her video and rushes to her rescue though he's in a wheelchair and his legs are broken. It turns out her suicide video got viral and that people have a hashtag #iamingrid and are rooting for her to get better, whilst making her popular in the process. So she basically gets her wish though she is supposed to learn from these bad experiences with both girls she stalked. And the movie ends with her smiling at her phone with the emptiest expression ever. Again, disturbing.
Aubrey Plaza is a stellar actress, what more can I say.
But my thought is - yeah, I have done some really stupid mistakes in my early 20s because I was a wounded soul and I craved validation since I didn't have real love or friendships and it seemed everyone else had those things readily handed to them and I was jealous no one came to me with such eagerness and interest. Even boys I dated admitted those girls were their first choices but they were out of their league so they ended up asking me out. Hearing that really hurt and now I know I shouldn't have cared. I met new people constantly and I mistook them for friends only to find out they weren't interested in sticking around but maybe if I wasn't such a depressed emo back then, they would have wanted my company. Those popular chicks had this whole goth thing going but they were also open and cheerful - something I had trouble becoming because I was focused on pain and suffering and bad memories. All of my selfies were sad, serious and pensive. I didn't have a single happy picture taken and posted. Only my friend Maria saw my cheerful self and knew me to a full extent, somehow I could not relax so much around other people.
This might be the longest blog post I have written so far. Quite the TLDR material, but if anyone gets through this from top to bottom, I will buy them a bottle of the fanciest cider and hand it to them personally.
What I am trying to say is, I watched the Ingrid movie at least 5 times, and I can say that while I had attention seeking tendencies on the Internet, those stayed strictly online and I still had a normal life outside of it all. And I never hopped on a bus or a plane to go after strangers. But sadly I have had acquaintances who have done that and I have seen this unhinged behaviour up close and personal.
So whatever happened in 2011 remains in 2011, and after I have written about it all, I can finally close this chapter and move on for good.